Resilency, the word I've grown to hate.

A few years ago, while stationed in Florida, I had a dear friend going through a separation with her husband tell me the reality of military life that no one really discusses. They had been together more than 10 years, two children, multiple duty stations, countless missed birthdays, holidays and 'firsts'. 
 
During our chats, we always went back to our children having to toe the line, embrace the suck, and leave friends and family more times than their civilians counterparts. How vacation really meant driving hundreds of miles just to visit family for a few days once, maybe twice a year, if his leave dates lined up just "right". And, she said "you know, they say our kids are resilient? But, how do we know if they really are resilient? It's not like we've taught them that it's okay to be upset, or to even remotely express that they are hurting due to the choice we made for them to live this life? They didn't sign up for the ridiculous deployment ops tempo? They didn't sign up for all the missing? We did, and they are innocent in all this. Surely they've picked up on our stoic display of we will be "just fine". They've definitely learned that the only acceptable answer to "how are you holding it all together?" that is asked hundreds of times during the hundredth "see ya later" is "we are great, we'll get through it like we always do." Tiffany, how do we know if they are really going to be okay after all this?' I didn't have an answer, and I don't think there is true measurement of resiliency among military kids. Let's gather up a few thousand young adult military brats, from let's say from the last 12-15 years and ask how they feel. In just my small circle of friends, I've asked the older kids, those graduating high school, those going to college back in their home state while mom/dad/siblings are stationed in Germany, or dad is shipped out a month for graduation to Afghanistan. You know what those kids freely say when no one important is around? " I hated it, I didn't join because I didn't want to do it to my family". That's not resiliency. That's just getting through it, and hoping for the best. It's not speaking our truth, and it is truly a huge disservice to our children.

This week I've been blindsided by the sheer hurt of my husband missing the biggest day of our son's young life. As he walks the stage for his high school graduation, his dad will be viewing the ceremony from 6000+ miles away, in a different time zone, on a different continent. And you know what, Caysen doesn't have to be okay with his dad missing this huge day in his life. Caysen has been drug across this country three times. He's slapped a smile on his face with every move. As we have moved across multiple state lines, John has not home. He's been away at training, or his report date required him to only have a a couple of days to get settled. Then there's the time he had to leave to head to WV due to his father's being hospitalized two days after we closed our first home in Florida. I was 8.5 months pregnant with Tatum, and we had literally moved from a rental to our home, and a couple of days after signing the papers, and moving the household goods, without much of anything unpacked, John boarded a plane and left for two weeks. Caysen has actually unpacked a house more than his dad has in the last 10 years. 

The first 9 years of Caysen's life were spent in Texas with me. My family, being my mom, step-dad, and two brothers were and are our fundamental pillars of support. They've always been there for us without hesitation. They'll be here today, and honestly, that's the only thing I want is for my family to be here. Not for me, I can shoulder this. But for, Caysen, he needs his family. He needs and deserves to have nothing short of an amazing celebration this weekend. I'm so grateful that my family is willing to make the 14+ hour drive to be a part of this milestone event. My youngest brother was married just two weeks ago, and he will be here with his new wife and that means the world to me! 

Some wounds simply won't heal. The scar will always be fresh, and I can only hope that as he grows up, he knows I really am sorry for all he's had to endure. Yes, we've had a great life. He's seen parts of this country that we didn't know even existed. He's met some amazing people and made lifelong friends. His life has been enriched by the experiences and there are lots of good memories we've collected and cherish from our time as an Air Force family. I know thousands of kids deal with this stuff. I know there have been and there will be thousands more who have parents miss stuff. I'm sad that any child and family have to endure all the missing. But, it's especially hard when it's your kid who is the one hurting.  I can openly admit that the events of my past with my own father still hurt and I'm 40 years old. I don't want Caysen to have to be resilient through this weekend. I want him to know it's totally acceptable to be furious, and that it's okay to hurt. Teach your children it's entirely okay to NOT embrace the suck, and when asked, the acceptable answer is exactly what and how they feel, but they will survive it. They'll be stronger because of all it. None of that matters in the "right now", but give them hope. No one, not even the good old Uncle Sam, gets to negate their feelings. Teach them it's okay to tell you that they are angry, even if it means that they are angry at you, ask for forgiveness, and do it often. Ask for grace as you struggle with your own emotions and hurts. 

When we found out Tuesday morning that John had been bumped from the rotator flight, I apologized to Caysen. Because you know what? That handsome, stoic, kick butt kid of mine, he's taken it all in stride and he's always been kind, loving, and most of all forgiving. I hope one day, he can look back and know that it's okay for him to not be okay with everything. Most importantly, it's okay for him to tell his truth. It's okay to make sure his voice is heard. Even if what he has to say isn't popular because we aren't supposed to let anyone know that this life is not easy and there's a lot more "hard" stuff. I have encouraged the Littles to express themselves freely through this last year. I don't know why I expected Caysen to just be his normal " I'm good, momma". I'm not good with it. No one should ever reach the point of it "being good". For me in these circumstances, resiliency simply means making sure that you never exhibit any sign of weakness even when you feel like every last fiber of your being is crumbling. Resiliency doesn't always mean being able to overcome and thrive. It means we put our emotions in a box and we deal with everything as if we aren't hurting, angry or sad. I hate the word, and if I let down the good ole military spouse community by speaking some truth so be it.






 

That's Lularoe, right? Did we just become best friends?

I started my Lula obsession several months ago with my Flying pig legging (  When Pigs Fly ). From leggings, I moved onto Irmas, Randys, and Carlys. I found my heart being pulled toward the Nicole dress even though it scared me due to my awkward post-baby body shape. SURPRISE, the Nicole dress is everything that everyone said it would be and more! And, from there the rest is truly history.

I have amassed a pretty substantial Lula collection to feature several of the styles from the extensive line of Lularoe. Truly, I have found a company that does have something for everyone. As a former plus size girl, I remember struggling to find stylish and flattering clothing. As a weight loss surgery patient, I found it difficult to find clothing that fit my body. Honestly, I struggled to even dress myself as an average size woman. And, today, here I am 40 years young, mom to three kiddos ages 18, 5 and 4 and I’m so thankful that I’m not wearing mom jeans, grungy t-shirts covered in spit up, and I can actually look stylish, cute and most importantly confident. 

Terry Cassagne-Hoye was one of the first Lularoe consultants who I started “stalking” from her initial launch with the company in September 2016.  I was a unicorn hunter for specific leggings, and I was so excited to actually participate in her launch with brand new inventory. Terry is well-organized, very generous in her giveaways, and is always on top of customer service. While Facebook can be difficult in the group setting, she’s always been quick to respond if there was a technical issue. One afternoon while perusing her group, I noticed she was looking for a blogger to review some of the new styles she would be introducing in her VIP shop. You can check out the group here Terry's Fabulous VIP Group . I was excited to be selected, and I can’t wait to share my thoughts on these two awesome styles that Terry is looking forward to offering her VIPs.

Madison Skirt - The Madison skirt is full skirted and features hand-set box pleats and hidden pockets. It is comfortable and practical for everyday life, but easily dressed up when the occasion demands something fancier. Truthfully, wearing it makes those everyday tasks seem a bit more of, well, a special occasion.

 (http://www.lularoe.com/madison-skirt/ )

I won’t deny being totally intimidated by the pleats on the Madison skirt.  I’ve paired it here with a Lularoe Perfect Tee and with a tank with jean jacket. My favorite aspect of Lularoe styles is just how versatile each one can be for every woman. My body shape is not necessarily the best for pleats, particularly right at the waist line, but I was pleasantly surprised at how cute and fun this skirt was for me to wear. I prefer wearing it higher up and belted as pictured. I also paired it Lularoe Perfect Tee and that made it the perfect outfit for a quick day out running errands. And, the POCKETS, oh the pockets who doesn’t love hidden pockets?  The Madison skirt is one that can be worn in all seasons. I can wear this in the spring and summer months with flip flops or flats. And, then in the fall and winter, pair it with tights and great pair of booties. The material blend is 96% polyester and 5% spandex which offers a comfortably cool and a wrinkle free skirt. The wide band elastic waist is forgiving in the sizing. As a reference, I am solid size 10/12 in the “retail” world for most retailers. The Madison skirt I’m wearing a size medium, and it’s the perfect fit. Overall, while the Madison scared me initially, I have fallen in love with this skirt and look forward to adding a couple more to my wardrobe. 

Nicole Dress - The Nicole dress boasts a fitted bodice, flattering scoop neck, mid-length sleeves, and a full circle skirt. It is simultaneously casual and dressy and, in a word, feminine! It is the sort of dress that brings out all that is girl in you - and we know you will not be able to resist giving it a twirl. Fun and fashionable? Yes, please.

http://www.lularoe.com/nicole-dress/

The Nicole dress was the one dress was so hesitant to purchase that it took not one but two friends to convince me that the Nicole was the “dress for me”. I found the cutest prints in the Nicole dress and absolutely love the fitted bodice, and the half sleeves are perfect my very flawed post weight loss surgery arms. Girls, we all know how much we hate our “batwings”, and I am here to tell you that the Nicole sleeve is my saving grace on disguising my post weight loss surgery arms. Terry wanted me to review the Elegant line of Lularoe styles offered this last holiday season. The Elegant collection is a very limited edition of prints and colors with new and exciting material options. OH the shiny and sparkles that twinkled in each style really encompassed every holiday party and gathering possible. When I received the Elegant Nicole dress, I was so excited! With the Elegant collection, you’ll need to need to definitely account for material differences. I have found that the Elegant Nicole, pictured here in Large, is a bit smaller than my other Nicole dresses in the cotton and the waffle texture. However, the only noticeable difference in this particular Nicole is the bust measurement being the smaller. The arms, waist and hip areas all fit the same. My absolute favorite style aspect of the Nicole is the drop waist and twirl skirt. This dress has a vintage, skater dress feel while still being dressed up for Sunday services or perfect for date nights. The Elegant Nicole is so flattering and I feel absolutely beautiful in this dress. I’ve paired it here with textured tights and heels with various accessories from my jewelry collection. If I were to pick a favorite dress from the Lularoe line it would be a really close race for 1^st place between the Nicole and Carly dress. The Nicole dress is available in a wide range of sizes, and there are prints along with solids to fit any woman’s preference.

If you aren’t sure on sizing, message Terry with any questions and she will happily assist you on finding the perfect fit. She’s been an excellent “personal shopper” for me. I really struggle with styling sometimes, and stepping out of my comfort zone hasn’t been the easiest. When I have needed a top to match a skirt or leggings, Terry has always been able to whip up an outfit that is spot on for my personality and personal preferences.

Join Terry’s VIP  group :  https://www.facebook.com/groups/LuLaRoewithTerryC/

Follow Terry on Instagram :   https://www.instagram.com/lularoeterrycassagne/ 

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received one or more of the products or services mentioned above for free in the hope that I would mention it on my blog. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”       

When it hits too close to "home"

By now most everyone knows that we are in the midst of a long unaccompanied tour. What I haven't shared is how I'm not feeling. And, here comes the brutally honest, no filter Tiffany everyone says they love. I'm not feeling this smile I wear on my face. That belly laugh you caught me in is not really how I feel. I don't feel like doing anything related to Christmas, I'm not decorating, the tree is not getting put up this year. And, the kids know why so I'm not depriving them of anything. We're going to go spend some time with Santa and friends, and we're going to go drive through Christmas lights, and they are going to have a fabulous holiday regardless of what I'm not feeling. Ya know, "fake it 'til ya make it". Well, I'm about done faking it.

This hurts, it all hurts. To wipe the Littles' tear-filled eyes when they ask "why daddy not come home from his big trip" or when I know Caysen just needs his dad on those rough wrestling days, or when I lay in bed staring at the ceiling and miss his snoring. It is all consuming some days, and I have no desire to even move from the couch. But, then I feel scattered and chaotic and undone. I feel lost and hurt. And honestly, I do not know what to do with all these emotions that I'm not supposed to be feeling because after all, I need to hold it together so it doesn't seem like I'm about to go postal on the little lady who keeps cutting me off in the grocery store aisle. Yes, it happened, it wasn't pretty. Not my proudest moment, I apologized. Move it along. I can't wallow in it, but I'm done denying that it hurts.

In a few short days I'll "celebrate" turning 40. So many people, especially new to our lives people, do not know my family history and why my birthday is not something that I enjoy celebrating. This year is no different.  I try really hard to be cheery and John always made sure that my birthday was special and he did an amazing job of reminding that I matter and that I'm loved. Well this year, he's not here to make it all sunshiny and daisies. Throw that on top of the fact that our Texas dates have all been screwed up by the lovely school district holiday break changing. It literally was just a blow I wasn't prepared for and I know we just adapt and overcome. BUT HOW MUCH ADAPTING am I going to have to do this year! I'm done adapting, overcoming is still a work in progress. All of this is just too close to "home". It brings up all these ugly emotions that you know, I just don't feel like processing. Deep inside I know that it's going to happen, and I'll probably just have a massive breakdown, cry fest and move on.

There's nothing really anyone can do outside of praying for me to find some true joy in this dark place I'm residing right now.  The one thing I'm looking forward to is the fact John will get to come home for a couple of weeks for Caysen's graduation. But, in the same breath, we'll have to say "see ya later" again, and having to go through all those emotions with the kids again, and having to explain and promise them that their daddy will be back. I play these conversations over in my head. I rehearse what I'll say to them. I'll prepare my heart to not break as much as possible. But, I'm not ready to feel this "close to home".

The Instant Pot world

Black Friday was traditionally a day to snag a few big ticket items for far less than retail. However, over the years I've noticed that the "sale prices" are not that spectacular! This year is the exception, and if you've wanted to get in on the Instant Pot Craze this is the day to snag one for about 50% off! 

Instant Pot IP-DUO60 7-in-1 Multi-Functional Pressure Cooker, 6Qt/1000W

**Affiliate links included**

Also, Search Facebook for the very helpful and informational Instant Pot Groups for recipes, tips and tricks to make the most out of your Instant Pot! You won't regret this purchase, promise ;) 

Happy 100 days! It still sucks :)

This last week we hit the 100 day mark into this unaccompanied tour. It's been the longest yet shortest 100 days that I've ever experienced. Outside of Murphy's law typical stuff nothing major has happened. Speaking of good ole' Murphy here's the run down:
A) The washing machine is definitely laughing at us, the spin cycle is best described as Sybil.
B) The Weedeater died, finally.
C) The leaf blower died. 
D) Hank ate a bouncy ball and needed surgery to remove it. 

Overall, I have learned that I really am not an introvert, homebody, and I've had enough alone time to last the rest of my life. I am far too much of a people person to ever be this isolated and alone. For all intents and purposes, I am a single mom to three kids. One is an 18yr old and self-sufficient. The Littles are great, don't get me wrong. But, I am much older than I was when I was a single mom with Caysen. Having two littles is much more difficult to manage than it was just having one, and I'm tired. Don't get me wrong, my friends are amazing, our new church family is AWESOME, but ya know, it's just different here. So, today, I broke down on John. We told each other how we wanted to be honest throughout this process even if it meant saying some 'hard truths'. Today was my day to say this really sucks, like really big time sucks. The reality is; I am super jealous that John isn't here anymore. And, by here, I mean Knoxville TN. Seriously, this place is like no other. I'm not the only spouse that feels this way, rest assured I'm not griping. I'm pointing out the obvious. Don't get me wrong, he's not in a great place, living it up, but he does get to interact with humans, and adults and he has a really cool, important job over there and well ya know, I'm over here wiping butts, tears, being an UFC ref, and slinging food at two minions all day, every day. 

I am busy. We have co-op classes every Friday and on the 1st Tuesday of every month and 3rd Thursday of every month. I am the president of Caysen's (for new readers, he's our 18 yr old senior) NJROTC unit booster club, so it's not lack of keeping busy. It's the sheer fact that John isn't here to carry some of the burden. It's exhausting. I want to do so many things, but I can not for the life of me find my rhythm. Maybe I'm in a funk, I'm not sure. First time experience with 2 small kids single mom thing and let me tell ya, it's hard. I just don't even know where to begin. I get overwhelmed thinking about having to list the house and get it ready to hit the market all by myself. I'm not anywhere ready. I know what has to be done, BUT for the life of me, I don't where to start. 

Like what am I willing to part with out in the garage. I already gave most of  paint, all my pallets to a friend. I have 4 projects sitting out there staring at me. And, if I'd get them done, we would have room in the garage. I have all the Christmas crap boxed, I'm tempted to sell it as a "Lot" of Christmas stuff, but then I know I'll regret it when I have to buy everything back. But, I just can't. I think I need to actually write out a plan and execute it. Start in one room and move to the next. And, actually make some headway through the house. There's touch up painting, packing up non essentials and stacking them in a corner of a room. Maybe that will make me feel better to see some progress. I need a goal, and an end in sight.

Today was hard. Tomorrow will likely be hard too. Monday will likely be a beast and we will trudge on. I miss you babe. I know it's all worth it in the end. I hope it's all going to be worth it. I don't regret our decision. I regret thinking I was strong enough to endure it without tears. 

The Shirt

To say these last two months have been trying would be an understatement. But, these last two months really did fly by. So much so, that we didn't accomplish nearly as much as I had intended. Many days were spent just lounging and trying to wrap my head around the fact that I wouldn't be able to see John for over a year. Some days, I was out running errands, having play dates, dinner with friends, church, and everything in between to just help keep my mind occupied. Many years ago, 10 to be exact, I joined an online support forum for military girlfriends. I remember reading about how girlfriends, fiances, wives would stick a shirt that their husband had worn in a ziploc baggie and keep it sealed until they needed a reminder of him. Sounded pretty creeptastic to me, let's be honest, men don't always smell the greatest. But, I decided to participate and see just how this worked. On Friday night, netflix binging Private Practice, during an episode that was pretty emotional, I realized that I was beginning to forget things about John. You're likely thinking "How horrible" or "How could she". But, let me tell ya, when your life, for the last 2 months, has revolved around 2 small children, a teenager, and just attempting to maintain a level of normalcy, little things like how he smells escapes you. 

I wasn't sure what to expect. I'm pretty sure I was more concerned that the shirt would stink and I would start dry heaving. And, long ago I read articles that our sense of smell is the sense that is strongest for memory. I have experienced that in so many situations. Such as walking into hospitals, for years after my surgery and complications, I could not stand the smell of a hospital. Particularly the smell of hospital rooms, and the cleaners and the hand sanitizer they use. Walking into Eglin for every OB appt with the Littles was so difficult. They had the most disgusting smelling hand sanitizer. When you almost die, and you've been through something that traumatic, those scents are sometimes crippling. Every time I walk into a hospital, I would immediately flash back to that horrific time in our lives. But, then there are smells that remind me of Texas, of my momma's house, of my childhood. And, those are the memories I cherish. I had asked John to give me the shirt he had on the weekend before he left. I sealed it up in a gallon size storage bed, and slid it under the bed. I'm pretty sure he thought I had gone officially cray cray, as the Littles say. But, I wanted to see what the fuss was about 10 years ago when I thought it was pretty cray cray. 

I sat on the bed, ziploc bag in hand, I unzipped it, pulled it out and put it up to my face. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes. I seriously couldn't stop them. I just sat there, crying, and realizing just how much I had missed him. He took his body wash with him. I've obviously changed the sheets several times, and he's not here. I had forgotten. But, for those few moments, my heart was filled with every joyful memory of our past. The first time he took me to see the Atlantic ocean on my 30th birthday. The night he came with plane tickets to fly to WV so his uncle could marry us. The day he came home after a 25 hour shift and fell into my arms because of the case he'd worked was so heart wrenching and draining all he could do was lay there. The day he didn't recognize me at his homecoming from Afghanistan and he just kept walking. The days he cheered Caysen on the ball field and wrestling matches, that he'll miss every single one this year. The day we welcomed the Littles into this world. Memories that I visit occasionally, but in a flash all those treasured moments overwhelmed every fiber of my being. For the first time in a long time, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I sobbed. I slid the shirt back in the bag, squished all the air out and sealed it. It's back under the bed.

It's just your basic grey graphic t-shirt. Just a shirt he'd lounge around the house in. But, for those few minutes, it was him, right here with me.

When pigs fly

How many of us love that old adage "when pigs fly"? Oh how I love it, and to celebrate my love for telling people I'll vote democratic ticket, or I'll give up Krispy Kreme donuts for life when pigs fly, I decided to jump into the crazy cultish world of Lularoe! I kept seeing these awesome prints, friends raving about how comfortable they were, and I kept telling them "when pigs fly, I'll pay $25 for leggings when I can buy a pair for $7 at Ross".

Ladies, I'm here to tell you, Pigs Fly and they've never looked more cute doing it! I should totally add that I grew up on a pig farm. My first pig that I showed through 4-H was affectionately named Tackleberry. Yes, Tackleberry from the old movie Police Academy. He was my favorite. And, there I go showing my age. Least to say, my Texas country roots run super deep, and I'm by no means wanting to jump back into farm life. But, I'm fairly sure my husband has a different idea, and I foresee us having lots of chickens, cows, a big garden (which I'll likely kill everything in it), and a couple of horses. If it were up to him, we'd totally live off the grid, have a bunker and not see any other humans unless we absolutely had to. He sometimes forgets who he married and knows I need civilization and I am not fond of losing electricity or water from the reliable source.

I was really not ever going to buy leggings that cost as much as the last handbag I purchased which has lasted two years and is still going strong! But, I saw these and HAD TO HAVE THEM! I put two Lularoe fanatic friends on high alert and they came through for me! I love that the consultants are very generous with their giveaways, some even run special discounted prices for a short sale, and no shipping costs on occasions. I've been added to about 20 groups for Lularoe, and ya know, not a single consultant has been pushy, rude or annoying. As someone who has been an independent insurance agent, and involved in direct sales companies, non pushy, annoying consultants are a requirement.

For those who do not know, I'm pretty stinking frugal. And, honestly I never buy anything really fun and not a necessity for myself. I have three kids, their needs/wants totally trump mine, but I will say I have zero regrets about buying these leggings. Plus, you  know what, it's really nice to support a small business owner. Lularoe is the new rage. It's really an awesome company. The start up costs are too much for my pocketbook, but I love supporting women making it on their own and doing something they love. These leggings are totally worth the cost. They are seriously the softest pair of leggings I've ever owned. They do have a seam, but you can't feel it and it doesn't rub on your legs. The prints are A D O R A B L E. I even did the panty check. Bend over and make sure your panties are not seen through the material. All you over 30 women know this is a necessity. And, all us moms know we spend more time bending over picking stuff up off the ground than we do any other chore. I wear long tunics, shirts or even a short dress over leggings to ensure that I follow the "be decent because no one needs to get to second base via your clothing choices", but inevitably, I'll end up bending over or stretching and BAM the panties are visible to the world. Not with the Lularoe line, at least not the darker background choices. Of course, I imagine if you pick a light color pair with dark panties, they'll show through. That's sort of a common sense thing, and if you do that either you're a sleep deprived mom or you just don't care if everyone sees ya panties.

Lularoe seriously has something for everyone and in every size. The most impressive pieces other than the leggings are the shirts/tops. I've noticed that none of the shirts are lacking in the arm sleeve department. You know what I'm talking about, those stupid 1/3 of a sleeve that all our arms hang out of. Well except those girls with great arms. High five to ya, I lost 130lbs 7 yrs ago, then had two babies, gained some back and my arms are not made for sleeves that do not count as sleeves. I truly love the Irma and Randy shirts thus far. I do not own any yet, but maybe Christmas presents? Hint Hint Nudge Nudge family members! All of the coordinating pieces in their shirts, skirts and dresses are really adorable as well. I have not delved into the world of their other products, but I can say that I totally would if I wasn't on a budget and on a mission to pay off the house more before we leave next summer. 

I just wanted to share my excitement in finding leggings that exceeded my expectations, and honestly, I do not want to take them off. Hope everyone is staying cool in this massive heat wave moving across the country. We've been cooped up today because the weather is just miserable, the heat index was 99 around 1pm and the Air Quality suggested we stay indoors. 

Until next time friends, CHEERS!  




**P.S.** I was NOT in any way compensated for this blog post. I purchased the leggings with my own funds. I did not win these in a giveaway nor was I given a pair for free in exchange for a review. All the opinions expressed are my own.**