This last week we hit the 100 day mark into this unaccompanied tour. It's been the longest yet shortest 100 days that I've ever experienced. Outside of Murphy's law typical stuff nothing major has happened. Speaking of good ole' Murphy here's the run down:
A) The washing machine is definitely laughing at us, the spin cycle is best described as Sybil.
B) The Weedeater died, finally.
C) The leaf blower died.
D) Hank ate a bouncy ball and needed surgery to remove it.
Overall, I have learned that I really am not an introvert, homebody, and I've had enough alone time to last the rest of my life. I am far too much of a people person to ever be this isolated and alone. For all intents and purposes, I am a single mom to three kids. One is an 18yr old and self-sufficient. The Littles are great, don't get me wrong. But, I am much older than I was when I was a single mom with Caysen. Having two littles is much more difficult to manage than it was just having one, and I'm tired. Don't get me wrong, my friends are amazing, our new church family is AWESOME, but ya know, it's just different here. So, today, I broke down on John. We told each other how we wanted to be honest throughout this process even if it meant saying some 'hard truths'. Today was my day to say this really sucks, like really big time sucks. The reality is; I am super jealous that John isn't here anymore. And, by here, I mean Knoxville TN. Seriously, this place is like no other. I'm not the only spouse that feels this way, rest assured I'm not griping. I'm pointing out the obvious. Don't get me wrong, he's not in a great place, living it up, but he does get to interact with humans, and adults and he has a really cool, important job over there and well ya know, I'm over here wiping butts, tears, being an UFC ref, and slinging food at two minions all day, every day.
I am busy. We have co-op classes every Friday and on the 1st Tuesday of every month and 3rd Thursday of every month. I am the president of Caysen's (for new readers, he's our 18 yr old senior) NJROTC unit booster club, so it's not lack of keeping busy. It's the sheer fact that John isn't here to carry some of the burden. It's exhausting. I want to do so many things, but I can not for the life of me find my rhythm. Maybe I'm in a funk, I'm not sure. First time experience with 2 small kids single mom thing and let me tell ya, it's hard. I just don't even know where to begin. I get overwhelmed thinking about having to list the house and get it ready to hit the market all by myself. I'm not anywhere ready. I know what has to be done, BUT for the life of me, I don't where to start.
Like what am I willing to part with out in the garage. I already gave most of paint, all my pallets to a friend. I have 4 projects sitting out there staring at me. And, if I'd get them done, we would have room in the garage. I have all the Christmas crap boxed, I'm tempted to sell it as a "Lot" of Christmas stuff, but then I know I'll regret it when I have to buy everything back. But, I just can't. I think I need to actually write out a plan and execute it. Start in one room and move to the next. And, actually make some headway through the house. There's touch up painting, packing up non essentials and stacking them in a corner of a room. Maybe that will make me feel better to see some progress. I need a goal, and an end in sight.
Today was hard. Tomorrow will likely be hard too. Monday will likely be a beast and we will trudge on. I miss you babe. I know it's all worth it in the end. I hope it's all going to be worth it. I don't regret our decision. I regret thinking I was strong enough to endure it without tears.
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