A few years ago, while stationed in Florida, I had a dear friend going through a separation with her husband tell me the reality of military life that no one really discusses. They had been together more than 10 years, two children, multiple duty stations, countless missed birthdays, holidays and 'firsts'.
During our chats, we always went back to our children having to toe the line, embrace the suck, and leave friends and family more times than their civilians counterparts. How vacation really meant driving hundreds of miles just to visit family for a few days once, maybe twice a year, if his leave dates lined up just "right". And, she said "you know, they say our kids are resilient? But, how do we know if they really are resilient? It's not like we've taught them that it's okay to be upset, or to even remotely express that they are hurting due to the choice we made for them to live this life? They didn't sign up for the ridiculous deployment ops tempo? They didn't sign up for all the missing? We did, and they are innocent in all this. Surely they've picked up on our stoic display of we will be "just fine". They've definitely learned that the only acceptable answer to "how are you holding it all together?" that is asked hundreds of times during the hundredth "see ya later" is "we are great, we'll get through it like we always do." Tiffany, how do we know if they are really going to be okay after all this?' I didn't have an answer, and I don't think there is true measurement of resiliency among military kids. Let's gather up a few thousand young adult military brats, from let's say from the last 12-15 years and ask how they feel. In just my small circle of friends, I've asked the older kids, those graduating high school, those going to college back in their home state while mom/dad/siblings are stationed in Germany, or dad is shipped out a month for graduation to Afghanistan. You know what those kids freely say when no one important is around? " I hated it, I didn't join because I didn't want to do it to my family". That's not resiliency. That's just getting through it, and hoping for the best. It's not speaking our truth, and it is truly a huge disservice to our children.
This week I've been blindsided by the sheer hurt of my husband missing the biggest day of our son's young life. As he walks the stage for his high school graduation, his dad will be viewing the ceremony from 6000+ miles away, in a different time zone, on a different continent. And you know what, Caysen doesn't have to be okay with his dad missing this huge day in his life. Caysen has been drug across this country three times. He's slapped a smile on his face with every move. As we have moved across multiple state lines, John has not home. He's been away at training, or his report date required him to only have a a couple of days to get settled. Then there's the time he had to leave to head to WV due to his father's being hospitalized two days after we closed our first home in Florida. I was 8.5 months pregnant with Tatum, and we had literally moved from a rental to our home, and a couple of days after signing the papers, and moving the household goods, without much of anything unpacked, John boarded a plane and left for two weeks. Caysen has actually unpacked a house more than his dad has in the last 10 years.
The first 9 years of Caysen's life were spent in Texas with me. My family, being my mom, step-dad, and two brothers were and are our fundamental pillars of support. They've always been there for us without hesitation. They'll be here today, and honestly, that's the only thing I want is for my family to be here. Not for me, I can shoulder this. But for, Caysen, he needs his family. He needs and deserves to have nothing short of an amazing celebration this weekend. I'm so grateful that my family is willing to make the 14+ hour drive to be a part of this milestone event. My youngest brother was married just two weeks ago, and he will be here with his new wife and that means the world to me!
Some wounds simply won't heal. The scar will always be fresh, and I can only hope that as he grows up, he knows I really am sorry for all he's had to endure. Yes, we've had a great life. He's seen parts of this country that we didn't know even existed. He's met some amazing people and made lifelong friends. His life has been enriched by the experiences and there are lots of good memories we've collected and cherish from our time as an Air Force family. I know thousands of kids deal with this stuff. I know there have been and there will be thousands more who have parents miss stuff. I'm sad that any child and family have to endure all the missing. But, it's especially hard when it's your kid who is the one hurting. I can openly admit that the events of my past with my own father still hurt and I'm 40 years old. I don't want Caysen to have to be resilient through this weekend. I want him to know it's totally acceptable to be furious, and that it's okay to hurt. Teach your children it's entirely okay to NOT embrace the suck, and when asked, the acceptable answer is exactly what and how they feel, but they will survive it. They'll be stronger because of all it. None of that matters in the "right now", but give them hope. No one, not even the good old Uncle Sam, gets to negate their feelings. Teach them it's okay to tell you that they are angry, even if it means that they are angry at you, ask for forgiveness, and do it often. Ask for grace as you struggle with your own emotions and hurts.
When we found out Tuesday morning that John had been bumped from the rotator flight, I apologized to Caysen. Because you know what? That handsome, stoic, kick butt kid of mine, he's taken it all in stride and he's always been kind, loving, and most of all forgiving. I hope one day, he can look back and know that it's okay for him to not be okay with everything. Most importantly, it's okay for him to tell his truth. It's okay to make sure his voice is heard. Even if what he has to say isn't popular because we aren't supposed to let anyone know that this life is not easy and there's a lot more "hard" stuff. I have encouraged the Littles to express themselves freely through this last year. I don't know why I expected Caysen to just be his normal " I'm good, momma". I'm not good with it. No one should ever reach the point of it "being good". For me in these circumstances, resiliency simply means making sure that you never exhibit any sign of weakness even when you feel like every last fiber of your being is crumbling. Resiliency doesn't always mean being able to overcome and thrive. It means we put our emotions in a box and we deal with everything as if we aren't hurting, angry or sad. I hate the word, and if I let down the good ole military spouse community by speaking some truth so be it.
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