Yesterday was just hard. The kids have cabin fever, horrible, antagonizing one another, pinch, pin down, bounce on one another cabin fever. Last Thursday, I took Tatum to the ER for what is now being deemed a "reactive airway disease" episode. So, she's been on house arrest and when one is down, we're all down. The Littles are just being Littles, but I was at my wit's end. Caysen said "mom, calm down". Not the smartest comment, but I didn't yell. I just broke. I cried and told him to think back to when we were first here and how much he hated it, how much he hated Bearden high, how much the people suck here, and how alone, isolated, no friends, no one caring, how all that felt. We all hated it. I think deep down inside, we all still hate it and won't feel any better until TMO is here packing us out and heading to Texas. I just kept crying. It was like my soul poured from eyes and my mouth just couldn't stop. I told him about how the housework was overwhelming, how the kids won't help keep their toys up, how I clean then it's destroyed an hour later. I apologized for unloading all that on him because really it's not his fault, it's not his problem to deal with, but he listened attentively, he understood, and I finally felt like I had been peeled off the wall.
This morning I woke up to this note taped to the front door:
So very confused, I pulled the door open to find these:
He made pancakes y'all. Pancakes! Breakfast for the kids and me already done. The best part is that we are out of eggs, so at 2am his girlfriend brought over some eggs because we're out of applesauce too. Did I mention that I haven't really been grocery shopping in the 5ish weeks that John has been gone? I've ran by the store for miscellaneous stuff, but not a true trip to the store. Don't get me wrong, we've had plenty of food. But, stuff I never run out of, well we've been out of it. I stood in the kitchen bawling like a baby again. And, the Littles were so excited to have pancakes for breakfast. We were also pretty low on milk (in my defense no one drinks cow's milk except for John and occasionally Caysen will have cereal) so he had to use half cow's milk and half almond milk.
When I share that this assignment is by far the most difficult we've had, it is not an exaggeration. There are a lot of different factors and it's really too many to list. But, for the first time in my 39.5 years, I can honestly say that I am alone 95% of my time. I have two wonderful friends that I get to meet with once weekly for dinner and a bible study. I don't get out of the house without kids in tow more than that on a weekly basis. I've even broken down to hire a sitter so I can have a few hours to myself occasionally. But, to be honest, with my plan to save and build our nest egg during this time, I haven't really utilized the sitter but one time to get my hair cut. I'm by no means looking for pity, sympathy or anything. I'm simply sharing that this is a very lonesome time in my life. I told Caysen yesterday that at least when his dad was home, I had him. I had him at night to share about his day, to talk about all the stuff the kids did, how great they're progressing on little pre-k lessons and how art/music class is going. And now, I do not have him. Sure we get to talk, and facetime, but that's been cut down to a couple of times a week and the connection is spotty most of the time. Not that I am complaining at all. It's just not enough. I've binged watched a few series in the last few weeks and I think my brain is fried from the copious hours of telvision my eyes have seen. I know it will get better. I know we will settle into somewhat of a schedule. Once school starts again, ROTC booster club president responsibilities will kick in again. Along with those meetings, deadlines, volunteer opportunities, my time will be filled with other stuff to distract from the loneliness. After all, it's Caysen's senior year. The checklist for this year makes my brain hurt. But, I'm so excited and sad all rolled into one big momma heart mess. He's graduating and that will be an entirely separate blog update. But, for now, I'm in a place that is completely foreign to me. I don't know how to navigate these treacherous waters of emotions. And, I surely don't know how to even say "help me" because at the end of the day, all I want is for my husband to be home.
For now, when someone is hurting don't pity them. Dig deep into your heart, remember a time when you were hurting and pray for them. Don't just show up on my doorstep. I'm really weird when John is gone. I will not answer the door unless I'm expecting you. Other military wives know why and I'm not going into detail. But, random knocks on the door or the doorbell ringing sends me into panic mode, and sitting there waiting for whoever it is to leave seems like an eternity. One day I'll look back at this time and realize that it was for a bigger purpose than I was able to see when I was trudging through it. I know that the testimony that will come from this 15 months will help someone else know they aren't so alone. We will come out on the other side of this better and stronger. In my heart of hearts, I am going to survive this difficult season and will celebrate the tiny victories along the way. For right now, crying is the best medicine.
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