By now most everyone knows that we are in the midst of a long unaccompanied tour. What I haven't shared is how I'm not feeling. And, here comes the brutally honest, no filter Tiffany everyone says they love. I'm not feeling this smile I wear on my face. That belly laugh you caught me in is not really how I feel. I don't feel like doing anything related to Christmas, I'm not decorating, the tree is not getting put up this year. And, the kids know why so I'm not depriving them of anything. We're going to go spend some time with Santa and friends, and we're going to go drive through Christmas lights, and they are going to have a fabulous holiday regardless of what I'm not feeling. Ya know, "fake it 'til ya make it". Well, I'm about done faking it.
This hurts, it all hurts. To wipe the Littles' tear-filled eyes when they ask "why daddy not come home from his big trip" or when I know Caysen just needs his dad on those rough wrestling days, or when I lay in bed staring at the ceiling and miss his snoring. It is all consuming some days, and I have no desire to even move from the couch. But, then I feel scattered and chaotic and undone. I feel lost and hurt. And honestly, I do not know what to do with all these emotions that I'm not supposed to be feeling because after all, I need to hold it together so it doesn't seem like I'm about to go postal on the little lady who keeps cutting me off in the grocery store aisle. Yes, it happened, it wasn't pretty. Not my proudest moment, I apologized. Move it along. I can't wallow in it, but I'm done denying that it hurts.
In a few short days I'll "celebrate" turning 40. So many people, especially new to our lives people, do not know my family history and why my birthday is not something that I enjoy celebrating. This year is no different. I try really hard to be cheery and John always made sure that my birthday was special and he did an amazing job of reminding that I matter and that I'm loved. Well this year, he's not here to make it all sunshiny and daisies. Throw that on top of the fact that our Texas dates have all been screwed up by the lovely school district holiday break changing. It literally was just a blow I wasn't prepared for and I know we just adapt and overcome. BUT HOW MUCH ADAPTING am I going to have to do this year! I'm done adapting, overcoming is still a work in progress. All of this is just too close to "home". It brings up all these ugly emotions that you know, I just don't feel like processing. Deep inside I know that it's going to happen, and I'll probably just have a massive breakdown, cry fest and move on.
There's nothing really anyone can do outside of praying for me to find some true joy in this dark place I'm residing right now. The one thing I'm looking forward to is the fact John will get to come home for a couple of weeks for Caysen's graduation. But, in the same breath, we'll have to say "see ya later" again, and having to go through all those emotions with the kids again, and having to explain and promise them that their daddy will be back. I play these conversations over in my head. I rehearse what I'll say to them. I'll prepare my heart to not break as much as possible. But, I'm not ready to feel this "close to home".
