For such a time as this

There's not really much to be said that hasn't been covered a million times over in the last 12-15 years due to the climate of war and unrest in various parts of the world. So many articles to tell us how we are supposed to manage this time apart, so many opinions on what works best for this given situation, well I'm here to tell ya, nothing really prepares you for it. Even though we had a solid 6  months to prepare, make lists, spend as much time together as possible, I wasn't and I'm still not ready. This last weekend marked 2 weeks since he's been gone, and it finally hit me just how long he's going to be away. There won't be a "mid tour", he should be able to take a couple weeks of leave next year close to Caysen's graduation, and I keep looking at this timeline, and I'm overwhelmed. I have struggled with being present in the very day, in that very moment and it's catching up with me emotionally. 

Many friends know that I jokingly dismiss any emotional hardships we might deal with while apart because I'm "so independent" and "so do not need him" and "I'll pack his bags, it's time to go". Let's call a spade a spade, it really sucks him being gone. And, it's not this "oh my husband, my love, my heart isn't home". It's the sheer lack of his presence. We had a solid routine, he was my Netflix buddy. And, after a long day filled with toddler and pre-schooler chatting, I long for adult interaction. So much so that we would just sit in each other presence and just enjoy having one another to talk about our day, the little things that happened. It hit me this weekend that I miss him the most at night. Not because we were a cuddly, snuggle, spooning type of couple, I actually hate being touched when I sleep, we had separate blankets because he steals the covers, it really boils down to the fact that I do not have another adult to talk to, and when I get around adults I feel like I never stop talking. So, I apologize if you see me in the near future and I just ramble on about how I painted Tatum's nails three times in one week or how Ashton has figured out pants are not required unless we are outside and how he has mastered sneaking out back to pee on the tree. And, deep down inside, I'm entirely jealous that John has new people to hang out with, that he's doing new and cool things, and that he's happy.

In all our time here, I've made it no secret that I've struggled with friendship. I've struggled with all the stuff that has transpired, all the lies and slanderous gossip that has really destroyed me to my core. If someone was looking to hurt me, I'd like to say "Congratulations, You've succeeded"! For those who have taken the time to really get to know me, outside of what has been speculated or gossiped about, ya know actually growing a pair and having a hard conversation with me, asking those hard questions, know that about 85% of the past 2 years I have been completely misunderstood. As for every single last one one of them, I could not care less about what they think of me. In all of this, the lesson I have learned is to entirely lean on Jesus, dig into His word, seek peace and comfort from no one other than my Savior. 

Talk about growth, and for the first time, recognizing that all the events, hurts, disappointments, God removing "friends" from my life, allowing people to "hate" me for something I absolutely had nothing to do with, everything that has happened was simply preparing me for such a time as this. In this present, right now, I do not have anyone who I can talk, see, laugh with, in person, on the daily. Please don't feel pity or think I'm remotely looking for "aww you poor thing". I'm filling our time with field trips, park trips, plenty of projects around the house, crafts and spending time with the three friends that I cherish dearly. There really was a plan in all of it. A plan I couldn't see or even predict. I really did believe I was ready for a long separation, but ha ha jokes on me. No matter how much I fill my time, nothing and I mean nothing can replace the lost companionship that I had with John. When the kids are in bed, the house is so quiet. I even sort of miss his snoring, no really it has been my "normal" for nearly 9 years. He was my constant, and my consistent supporter, my sounding board. Most of all he kept me on an even kilter when I was ready to unreel. You can read all the articles, you can plan for each "stage", you can ask friends for advice on how they managed, yet something will sneak up on you and knock the wind out of your sail. This weekend, I realized exactly what I was feeling. 

Thank you to the friends who never gave up. Even when I told everyone I was fine. A couple of friends saw right through those thinly veiled lies, reached for my hand, hugged me, and in those moments I knew I could trust them. I knew they'd be here, help me shoulder this burden, right here , right now, in my present, in my hurt and loneliness, and they'd remind of the good in the world that only they can offer. Intentional and genuine friendship deeply rooted in truth, love and above all grace. One day, I hope those who don't know that level of friendship, those who don't have that type of friendship, not only find it, but embrace it when it's right there in front of them. I'm so thankful that God had a bigger and better plan. I'm so grateful that I didn't give up when it was really hard. When I was in the dark, cold valley, I could have never seen "today". From the top of the mountain, I can clearly see the "why" and now I know that everything is going to be okay. We will make it. We will leave this place unscathed and stronger. We will move on and our time here will be a distant memory. Lessons learned, hardships endured, anger and bitterness gone, and above all we will walk in God's will courageously through all of it. 

Until next time. . .


P.S. 

I had told myself that I was going to regularly blog in a way to get back to "me". As a writer, an oversharer sometimes, and just a place to lay out all my thoughts. So, no promises, but I do plan on weekly or bi-weekly posts.