Life is full of ups and downs. Peaks and valleys. We all spend some time in a valley. During that time, we are either strengthened or broken. We fight, climbing and clawing our way out of that valley so we can enjoy the view from the highest peak. Every once in awhile, we do not have the strength or faith to climb out on our own. I've been in both situations. Too strong and stubborn to stay in the valley for long, too weak, tired and hurt to bother digging my way out. There's no easy answer as to the "why" I chose to stay in this last valley for so long. I was angry and bitter. I still look forward to 2017 when we move onto the next chapter of our lives. That next duty station, that next set of friend dating, and having one kiddo in college, and 2 starting elementary school. It's not that I am not immensely grateful for our time here, I am. I shared this with my husband and oldest son, "Honestly, if nothing else positive or good comes from this place, if I have nothing else to look back on and say 'wow that was amazing', at least you both found Jesus, and are growing in your faith. If nothing else good happens, and I have nothing else to celebrate, I will endure a thousand hurts to know that we are here for a reason, and part of that reason is so when we die or Jesus returns, we will all be together in Heaven. I will not be sad about our time here, that one thing has made us being here and enduring the pure misery all worth it. I'd do it all again to have our family where it is today."
People fail to recognize is many people, myself included, will only reveal what they feel is "safe" to share. When that information is used against them to judge, to condemn them, to punish them, all that has really happened is the person becomes more isolated and desperate for help. I've been there, too. It's lonely and it's cold. My only truth is that without the counsel of a dear friend, I would have never accepted her hand when she offered to help me out of the valley. Her sage words "Lean on God, get into His word, within the scriptures you'll find answers". I did just as she suggested. I read and read some more. I even read a book that brought to light so many aspects of my hurt heart that I didn't even realize existed. That's growth. It hurt every day. It was those days that the rocks gave way under my feet, and my grasp slipped a little, but I dug in and read more. With each day, each scripture, each chapter, each lesson, I gained footing and my climb became a bit easier. About halfway up, I stumbled. I was parched, and hungry. I wanted to go back and sit in the darkness a bit, the coldest water runs through the valleys, right? And, once again, my friend reached her hand towards mine and said "Don't give up, don't give in". I trudged forward. Today, I'm not at the peak, but I'm closer than I was last week.
The first step I took to get out of that valley was truly lean on God. I didn't understand it, but He was my only answer that had never failed me. I was heavily convicted to apologize to people I had wronged. Maybe not directly wronged, but my behaviors toward them were wrong, and I fought that conviction. I kept repeating " umm God, you remember who you're talking to, right?" The resounding answer was "Yes, now go and do as I have commanded." Lord knows I am not that great at saying "I'm sorry". But, the moment I sent the apologies not only did I feel relieved, I released the bitterness that had built up for a good 9 months. It wasn't easy. I fought with it for weeks. I knew other people wouldn't understand it. And, being honest, I don't care if they do understand it. The situation was not theirs to resolve. It's not their conviction. Those were my first steps toward getting out of the valley.
The closer I drew myself to the peak. The further people I thought who cared fell away from me. It's no surprise. People disappoint one another. Our expectations typically exceed others abilities. And, as long as we're all human, we will hurt and disappoint one another. The greatest joy is when I learned to not be offended and carry that bitterness with me. That ugly seed bled over to other areas of my life. Primarily, it kept me from giving my true self to others. This tough, hardened exterior is a really good mask to hide all the part hurts I've endured.
Big lesson - the people in my life today shouldn't have to live in the shadows of all the wrongs that happened in my past.
While I will never tolerate bad behavior, nor put myself in situations where I will be hurt nor surround myself with people who treat me poorly, I'm not going to allow the past hurts keep me from loving others, truly loving them. That doesn't mean be best friends with everyone. There's no command for that one, I do not have to like everyone and I'm definitely not going to compromise who I am or what I stand for just to be buddies with the wrong people. My popularity on this Earth is not going to pave my path to heaven. My core personality isn't changing nor are my convictions, morals or ethics. I still stand strong in those convictions. I'll still fight for what is right and fair. I am only as good as my word and more than my words, my actions will continue to reaching higher peaks.
I was never able to recognize just how much hurt I was carrying around. People talk about drama, people talk about people, talk results in hurt, and hurt often leads to growth. The best reaction is to take no action. Forgive quickly and recognize that it's really not about you. Even if you "think" it's about you, it's really not. If we could only see into just the hearts view of each other, we'd see more than just the surface scars. No one fully knows what is going on in my life except for God. No one will fully comprehend that I held onto hurts that had trapped me in a life of pain. As a way to heal, I lashed out at others and kept people at arms length. Today, one thing is certain, I know that hurting others isn't the answer to my pain. Even by just being snarky and causing friction really isn't the answer. Listening to others, and believing every gossipy detail without confirmation, allowing past hurts to forge a case against others, and most of all, purposely pushing people away by just not being very nice. Forgiving those who hurt, and fully releasing them of that transgression is only way to heal and move forward. I can't change the past. I don't even expect anyone to believe that people, people like me, can and want to change. I believe people can grow, change and be good. Even in the deepest valleys we learn about ourselves, I learned about myself, my hurts, and most of all how to heal. I knew that I'd never be able to do it alone. I didn't get out unscathed. The bumps were huge, the bruises were visible, the scars are starting to fade, and the band-aids have been ripped off. Grace is my foundation. I've learned to acknowledge it, and I'm learning to extend it.
Hebrews 4:16
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