Most everyone is aware that my husband will be "deploying/PCS'ing" in the coming weeks for a 15 month unaccompanied tour. Least to say, for the last 4 months, I have been in complete denial. Even though I knew he was leaving, we agreed it was a great career move, we prayed over it long before he applied, I still hadn't embraced the absolute truth that he's leaving. Now that the movers are scheduled, my email is blowing up with confirmations, details etc, I just click "READ" and move onto the next email. As I look to the next year, I am all over the place. There's this ever elusive feeling that I'm attempting to embrace, but stumbling through the emotions is all I seem to do these days. In one moment, I'm at the "hurry up and take off so we can get this over with", the next moment "please don't leave yet, I don't want you to miss _____".
I don't know what it is about this situation that is all that different than his last deployment. Maybe it's because of the Littles and all the stuff he's going to miss Caysen's senior year of high school. I simply can't put my finger on it. Caysen was nearly 11 yrs old and could comprehend all the details during our last deployment. Maybe it's my heart is broken that I agreed to this assignment, maybe it's just my weak, insecure heart that keeps telling me that there's no way I'll make it through this without pushing away everyone I love including John or completely falling apart in the process of trying to hold it all together. It's exhausting trying to navigate through all the feelings and I find myself nitpicking just to pick a fight. It's a heck of a lot easier to say "See ya later" if I'm mad at him. It's easier to just withdraw and not focus on the real reason I'm acting out like a toddler who has lost their favorite blankie.
When asked "what do you need?", I honestly have no answer. I have no idea what I need or what kind of support I'll need. Please don't be offended if I tell you nothing, please don't push or force me to talk about it. When I need to, I will. Fair warning, I don't know how to ask for help or reach out and say "hey, I'm struggling" no one knows what to do when someone admits to being at their breaking point. I'm not a hugger or a crier, I don't know how to even remotely tell someone that I'm struggling. I refuse to accept defeat, and I won't fail during this time in our lives, but I'm not sure how I'll do it. Just know that when I say I'm ready for this, it's a lie. I'm not ready for my husband's belongings to be packed up and sent overseas. I'm not ready to run a household without him. I'm not ready for any of it. I'm definitely not ready to answer the question of "when is my daddy coming home" or "why is daddy gone". I really thought I was ready. I've read all the resiliency articles. I've talked to other spouses who have endured an unaccompanied tour. I've reached out to those who know these feelings and the one commonality in all of it is; no one is ready for it. And, that feeling of not being ready is all consuming because it's happening right in front of us, and there's no changing it. Not being ready isn't an option. I want to be ready. I want to be strong and stoic, but I know myself well enough to know that my being ready will never be ready enough to face this head on. My heart hurts as we prepare for the movers to come in a couple of weeks. As we sort through our existing kitchen stuff, linens, purchase a bed, sort through clothes that he'll take and ones he'll leave behind. I have totes full of stuff for the movers to pack, and as the weeks have flown by, I sat in the floor and cried looking at this stuff because I really thought I was ready. It's not going to be easy, but they promised it would be worth it.
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