It's been no secret that for this move to Knoxville has been tough. I've probably complained about it too much and too often. But, that's how I dealt with all the misery. No one truly knows the full extent of pure hell our family has endured. I couldn't even put it into words if I tried. Over the last couple of months, I've really learned that through this "season" in our lives I've been living in the past and waiting for a happy future to finally happen. Instead of living in the now and making the very best of it, I was wishing for what we had in Florida. I wanted friends like I had there, I wanted nights out with my friends, I wanted coffee dates, and I wanted all the good times we shared for years. It's a grim reality that it's just not going to happen here. It's just not, and I'm not even trying to make it happen here. I've burned bridges, I opened up too much too soon with some people and they ran with that openness and now that reputation hangs over my head. I have no one to blame but myself, and in my normal fashion, I own it. What I can do is make a new path, and learn from those really dark months and the mistakes that I made early on here. If someone is willing to look past all that and really see that I am renewed in my faith and have hope again, I will be grateful. To those who have stood by me, cheered me, and listened to me cry, I'm forever thankful that you were my pillars to lean on.
I allowed my misery to define me and it hardened my heart. Now, I'm faced with the reality that people have attached that misery to me because that's what I put out there. It doesn't matter how happy I am now, people still like to believe that person is "ME". In reality, I know, and those who know the best, know that I was just in a dark and sad place. I acted like a toddler in a tantrum constantly, and I was living in this place just wanting it to be better instead of making my NOW really great. I can't go back and change anything I've said or how I acted. All I can do right now is ask for forgiveness and live for the NOW. Which is not entirely how I envisioned life, I never thought that I'd perfectly content being alone with the company of two toddlers all day, every day. There's some days I still long with normal relationships and friendships. Normal as in not forced or fabricated friendships where we can't be real and raw with one another because we fear that admitting unhappiness will turn people away. I get that I should be grateful for all the blessings in our lives, and make no mistake, I'm eternally grateful. But, I have learned my feelings are valid, and they're mine. I am just choosing to make something better out of those feelings, and really look for a solution. What I'm trying to say is that it's perfectly acceptable to admit life sucks sometimes. It's just not okay to wallow in it.
With my renewed attitude, I'm really trying to be a better steward of my time with the Littles. I'm never going to be the super pinterest crafting mom nor will I become a master landscaper in my attempts to have a pretty yard. But, I will make memories with my family, playing outside, digging in the dirt, blowing dandelions, counting the birds, attempting to make popsicle crafts and painting. My heart is full not because of where we are, but because of what I choose to fill my heart with these days. I may not ever have really close friendships. I may never really get close to people again, I doubt I'll have regular lunch or coffee dates, but I will for sure make our little world a bit happier by choice and not circumstance alone. I won't allow the past or future cloud my Now.
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