When pigs fly

How many of us love that old adage "when pigs fly"? Oh how I love it, and to celebrate my love for telling people I'll vote democratic ticket, or I'll give up Krispy Kreme donuts for life when pigs fly, I decided to jump into the crazy cultish world of Lularoe! I kept seeing these awesome prints, friends raving about how comfortable they were, and I kept telling them "when pigs fly, I'll pay $25 for leggings when I can buy a pair for $7 at Ross".

Ladies, I'm here to tell you, Pigs Fly and they've never looked more cute doing it! I should totally add that I grew up on a pig farm. My first pig that I showed through 4-H was affectionately named Tackleberry. Yes, Tackleberry from the old movie Police Academy. He was my favorite. And, there I go showing my age. Least to say, my Texas country roots run super deep, and I'm by no means wanting to jump back into farm life. But, I'm fairly sure my husband has a different idea, and I foresee us having lots of chickens, cows, a big garden (which I'll likely kill everything in it), and a couple of horses. If it were up to him, we'd totally live off the grid, have a bunker and not see any other humans unless we absolutely had to. He sometimes forgets who he married and knows I need civilization and I am not fond of losing electricity or water from the reliable source.

I was really not ever going to buy leggings that cost as much as the last handbag I purchased which has lasted two years and is still going strong! But, I saw these and HAD TO HAVE THEM! I put two Lularoe fanatic friends on high alert and they came through for me! I love that the consultants are very generous with their giveaways, some even run special discounted prices for a short sale, and no shipping costs on occasions. I've been added to about 20 groups for Lularoe, and ya know, not a single consultant has been pushy, rude or annoying. As someone who has been an independent insurance agent, and involved in direct sales companies, non pushy, annoying consultants are a requirement.

For those who do not know, I'm pretty stinking frugal. And, honestly I never buy anything really fun and not a necessity for myself. I have three kids, their needs/wants totally trump mine, but I will say I have zero regrets about buying these leggings. Plus, you  know what, it's really nice to support a small business owner. Lularoe is the new rage. It's really an awesome company. The start up costs are too much for my pocketbook, but I love supporting women making it on their own and doing something they love. These leggings are totally worth the cost. They are seriously the softest pair of leggings I've ever owned. They do have a seam, but you can't feel it and it doesn't rub on your legs. The prints are A D O R A B L E. I even did the panty check. Bend over and make sure your panties are not seen through the material. All you over 30 women know this is a necessity. And, all us moms know we spend more time bending over picking stuff up off the ground than we do any other chore. I wear long tunics, shirts or even a short dress over leggings to ensure that I follow the "be decent because no one needs to get to second base via your clothing choices", but inevitably, I'll end up bending over or stretching and BAM the panties are visible to the world. Not with the Lularoe line, at least not the darker background choices. Of course, I imagine if you pick a light color pair with dark panties, they'll show through. That's sort of a common sense thing, and if you do that either you're a sleep deprived mom or you just don't care if everyone sees ya panties.

Lularoe seriously has something for everyone and in every size. The most impressive pieces other than the leggings are the shirts/tops. I've noticed that none of the shirts are lacking in the arm sleeve department. You know what I'm talking about, those stupid 1/3 of a sleeve that all our arms hang out of. Well except those girls with great arms. High five to ya, I lost 130lbs 7 yrs ago, then had two babies, gained some back and my arms are not made for sleeves that do not count as sleeves. I truly love the Irma and Randy shirts thus far. I do not own any yet, but maybe Christmas presents? Hint Hint Nudge Nudge family members! All of the coordinating pieces in their shirts, skirts and dresses are really adorable as well. I have not delved into the world of their other products, but I can say that I totally would if I wasn't on a budget and on a mission to pay off the house more before we leave next summer. 

I just wanted to share my excitement in finding leggings that exceeded my expectations, and honestly, I do not want to take them off. Hope everyone is staying cool in this massive heat wave moving across the country. We've been cooped up today because the weather is just miserable, the heat index was 99 around 1pm and the Air Quality suggested we stay indoors. 

Until next time friends, CHEERS!  




**P.S.** I was NOT in any way compensated for this blog post. I purchased the leggings with my own funds. I did not win these in a giveaway nor was I given a pair for free in exchange for a review. All the opinions expressed are my own.**

Hitting the proverbial wall

I was half expecting this stage to hit me far earlier. I really thought I was going to be lucky and skim right over it since I hadn't hit the wall yet. But, low and behold, yesterday afternoon I hit the proverbial wall. In one sense, it's an entire relief. In another, I have to accept that it's just one of many. Hitting the proverbial wall, the tears fall, the hurt consumes, and the missing him is just too much. Many people, friends and family, know that we are not the romantic, squishy, blow up social media about how much we love each other. We're probably the furthest thing from being lovey dovey. We just don't love that way. Please Lord, don't let anyone get offended by that statement. I don't care if that's how you and yours love, we just don't and we really don't understand it. You might see or hear once to twice a year about how he's the peanut butter to my jelly or I'm his better half. But, really we just love each other as God commands us to love. 

Yesterday was just hard. The kids have cabin fever, horrible, antagonizing one another, pinch, pin down, bounce on one another cabin fever. Last Thursday, I took Tatum to the ER for what is now being deemed a "reactive airway disease" episode. So, she's been on house arrest and when one is down, we're all down. The Littles are just being Littles, but I was at my wit's end. Caysen said "mom, calm down". Not the smartest comment, but I didn't yell. I just broke. I cried and told him to think back to when we were first here and how much he hated it, how much he hated Bearden high, how much the people suck here, and how alone, isolated, no friends, no one caring, how all that felt. We all hated it. I think deep down inside, we all still hate it and won't feel any better until TMO is here packing us out and heading to Texas. I just kept crying. It was like my soul poured from eyes and my mouth just couldn't stop. I told him about how the housework was overwhelming, how the kids won't help keep their toys up, how I clean then it's destroyed an hour later. I apologized for unloading all that on him because really it's not his fault, it's not his problem to deal with, but he listened attentively, he understood, and I finally felt like I had been peeled off the wall. 

This morning I woke up to this note taped to the front door: 

He worked yesterday from 5pm-9pm. Came home to find us all asleep already. I'm pretty sure we were all knocked out by 8:45pm. He cleaned the entire downstairs and the kids' bedrooms. I sat on the bottom step and just cried and thanked Jesus for giving me such a sweet child. We've had some really rocky months since March, and we've battled back to liking one another. We love each other. But, believe me, there's been plenty of days where we absolutely can't stand to even look at one another. Caysen Blake, you are the best kid in the world. I know we fight, I know we scream sometimes, but you really helped heal a hurt by your selfless act of cleaning house for me. And, if that wasn't enough, I walked into the kitchen to find these on the refrigerator door: 

So very confused, I pulled the door open to find these: 

 

 He made pancakes y'all. Pancakes! Breakfast for the kids and me already done. The best part is that we are out of eggs, so at 2am his girlfriend brought over some eggs because we're out of applesauce too. Did I mention that I haven't really been grocery shopping in the 5ish weeks that John has been gone? I've ran by the store for miscellaneous stuff, but not a true trip to the store. Don't get me wrong, we've had plenty of food. But, stuff I never run out of, well we've been out of it. I stood in the kitchen bawling like a baby again. And, the Littles were so excited to have pancakes for breakfast. We were also pretty low on milk (in my defense no one drinks cow's milk except for John and occasionally Caysen will have cereal) so he had to use half cow's milk and half almond milk. 

When I share that this assignment is by far the most difficult we've had, it is not an exaggeration. There are a lot of different factors and it's really too many to list. But, for the first time in my 39.5 years, I can honestly say that I am alone 95% of my time. I have two wonderful friends that I get to meet with once weekly for dinner and a bible study. I don't get out of the house without kids in tow more than that on a weekly basis. I've even broken down to hire a sitter so I can have a few hours to myself occasionally. But, to be honest, with my plan to save and build our nest egg during this time, I haven't really utilized the sitter but one time to get my hair cut. I'm by no means looking for pity, sympathy or anything. I'm simply sharing that this is a very lonesome time in my life. I told Caysen yesterday that at least when his dad was home, I had him. I had him at night to share about his day, to talk about all the stuff the kids did, how great they're progressing on little pre-k lessons and how art/music class is going. And now, I do not have him. Sure we get to talk, and facetime, but that's been cut down to a couple of times a week and the connection is spotty most of the time. Not that I am complaining at all. It's just not enough. I've binged watched a few series in the last few weeks and I think my brain is fried from the copious hours of telvision my eyes have seen. I know it will get better. I know we will settle into somewhat of a schedule. Once school starts again, ROTC booster club president responsibilities will kick in again. Along with those meetings, deadlines, volunteer opportunities, my time will be filled with other stuff to distract from the loneliness. After all, it's Caysen's senior year. The checklist for this year makes my brain hurt. But, I'm so excited and sad all rolled into one big momma heart mess. He's graduating and that will be an entirely separate blog update. But, for now, I'm in a place that is completely foreign to me. I don't  know how to navigate these treacherous waters of emotions. And, I surely don't know how to even say "help me" because at the end of the day, all I want is for my husband to be home. 

For now, when someone is hurting don't pity them. Dig deep into your heart, remember a time when you were hurting and pray for them. Don't just show up on my doorstep. I'm really weird when John is gone. I will not answer the door unless I'm expecting you. Other military wives know why and I'm not going into detail. But, random knocks on the door or the doorbell ringing sends me into panic mode, and sitting there waiting for whoever it is to leave seems like an eternity. One day I'll look back at this time and realize that it was for a bigger purpose than I was able to see when I was trudging through it. I know that the testimony that will come from this 15 months will help someone else  know they aren't so alone. We will come out on the other side of this better and stronger. In my heart of hearts, I am going to survive this difficult season and will celebrate the tiny victories along the way. For right now, crying is the best medicine.  

For such a time as this

There's not really much to be said that hasn't been covered a million times over in the last 12-15 years due to the climate of war and unrest in various parts of the world. So many articles to tell us how we are supposed to manage this time apart, so many opinions on what works best for this given situation, well I'm here to tell ya, nothing really prepares you for it. Even though we had a solid 6  months to prepare, make lists, spend as much time together as possible, I wasn't and I'm still not ready. This last weekend marked 2 weeks since he's been gone, and it finally hit me just how long he's going to be away. There won't be a "mid tour", he should be able to take a couple weeks of leave next year close to Caysen's graduation, and I keep looking at this timeline, and I'm overwhelmed. I have struggled with being present in the very day, in that very moment and it's catching up with me emotionally. 

Many friends know that I jokingly dismiss any emotional hardships we might deal with while apart because I'm "so independent" and "so do not need him" and "I'll pack his bags, it's time to go". Let's call a spade a spade, it really sucks him being gone. And, it's not this "oh my husband, my love, my heart isn't home". It's the sheer lack of his presence. We had a solid routine, he was my Netflix buddy. And, after a long day filled with toddler and pre-schooler chatting, I long for adult interaction. So much so that we would just sit in each other presence and just enjoy having one another to talk about our day, the little things that happened. It hit me this weekend that I miss him the most at night. Not because we were a cuddly, snuggle, spooning type of couple, I actually hate being touched when I sleep, we had separate blankets because he steals the covers, it really boils down to the fact that I do not have another adult to talk to, and when I get around adults I feel like I never stop talking. So, I apologize if you see me in the near future and I just ramble on about how I painted Tatum's nails three times in one week or how Ashton has figured out pants are not required unless we are outside and how he has mastered sneaking out back to pee on the tree. And, deep down inside, I'm entirely jealous that John has new people to hang out with, that he's doing new and cool things, and that he's happy.

In all our time here, I've made it no secret that I've struggled with friendship. I've struggled with all the stuff that has transpired, all the lies and slanderous gossip that has really destroyed me to my core. If someone was looking to hurt me, I'd like to say "Congratulations, You've succeeded"! For those who have taken the time to really get to know me, outside of what has been speculated or gossiped about, ya know actually growing a pair and having a hard conversation with me, asking those hard questions, know that about 85% of the past 2 years I have been completely misunderstood. As for every single last one one of them, I could not care less about what they think of me. In all of this, the lesson I have learned is to entirely lean on Jesus, dig into His word, seek peace and comfort from no one other than my Savior. 

Talk about growth, and for the first time, recognizing that all the events, hurts, disappointments, God removing "friends" from my life, allowing people to "hate" me for something I absolutely had nothing to do with, everything that has happened was simply preparing me for such a time as this. In this present, right now, I do not have anyone who I can talk, see, laugh with, in person, on the daily. Please don't feel pity or think I'm remotely looking for "aww you poor thing". I'm filling our time with field trips, park trips, plenty of projects around the house, crafts and spending time with the three friends that I cherish dearly. There really was a plan in all of it. A plan I couldn't see or even predict. I really did believe I was ready for a long separation, but ha ha jokes on me. No matter how much I fill my time, nothing and I mean nothing can replace the lost companionship that I had with John. When the kids are in bed, the house is so quiet. I even sort of miss his snoring, no really it has been my "normal" for nearly 9 years. He was my constant, and my consistent supporter, my sounding board. Most of all he kept me on an even kilter when I was ready to unreel. You can read all the articles, you can plan for each "stage", you can ask friends for advice on how they managed, yet something will sneak up on you and knock the wind out of your sail. This weekend, I realized exactly what I was feeling. 

Thank you to the friends who never gave up. Even when I told everyone I was fine. A couple of friends saw right through those thinly veiled lies, reached for my hand, hugged me, and in those moments I knew I could trust them. I knew they'd be here, help me shoulder this burden, right here , right now, in my present, in my hurt and loneliness, and they'd remind of the good in the world that only they can offer. Intentional and genuine friendship deeply rooted in truth, love and above all grace. One day, I hope those who don't know that level of friendship, those who don't have that type of friendship, not only find it, but embrace it when it's right there in front of them. I'm so thankful that God had a bigger and better plan. I'm so grateful that I didn't give up when it was really hard. When I was in the dark, cold valley, I could have never seen "today". From the top of the mountain, I can clearly see the "why" and now I know that everything is going to be okay. We will make it. We will leave this place unscathed and stronger. We will move on and our time here will be a distant memory. Lessons learned, hardships endured, anger and bitterness gone, and above all we will walk in God's will courageously through all of it. 

Until next time. . .


P.S. 

I had told myself that I was going to regularly blog in a way to get back to "me". As a writer, an oversharer sometimes, and just a place to lay out all my thoughts. So, no promises, but I do plan on weekly or bi-weekly posts. 

When I say I'm totally prepared, it's all a big lie!

Most everyone is aware that my husband will be "deploying/PCS'ing" in the coming weeks for a 15 month unaccompanied tour. Least to say, for the last 4 months, I have been in complete denial. Even though I knew he was leaving, we agreed it was a great career move, we prayed over it long before he applied, I still hadn't embraced the absolute truth that he's leaving. Now that the movers are scheduled, my email is blowing up with confirmations, details etc, I just click "READ" and move onto the next email.  As I look to the next year, I am all over the place. There's this ever elusive feeling that I'm attempting to embrace, but stumbling through the emotions is all I seem to do these days. In one moment, I'm at the "hurry up and take off so we can get this over with", the next moment "please don't leave yet, I don't want you to miss _____". 

I don't know what it is about this situation that is all that different than his last deployment. Maybe it's because of the Littles and all the stuff he's going to miss Caysen's senior year of high school. I simply can't put my finger on it.  Caysen was nearly 11 yrs old and could comprehend all the details during our last deployment. Maybe it's my heart is broken that I agreed to this assignment, maybe it's just my weak, insecure heart that keeps telling me that there's no way I'll make it through this without pushing away everyone I love including John or completely falling apart in the process of trying to hold it all together. It's exhausting trying to navigate through all the feelings and I find myself nitpicking just to pick a fight. It's a heck of a lot easier to say "See ya later" if I'm mad at him. It's easier to just withdraw and not focus on the real reason I'm acting out like a toddler who has lost their favorite blankie.

When asked "what do you need?", I honestly have no answer. I have no idea what I need or what kind of support I'll need. Please don't be offended if I tell you nothing, please don't push or force me to talk about it. When I need to, I will. Fair warning,  I don't know how to ask for help or reach out and say "hey, I'm struggling" no one knows what to do when someone admits to being at their breaking point. I'm not a hugger or a crier, I don't know how to even remotely tell someone that I'm struggling. I refuse to accept defeat, and I won't fail during this time in our lives, but I'm not sure how I'll do it. Just know that when I say I'm ready for this, it's a lie. I'm not ready for my husband's belongings to be packed up and sent overseas. I'm not ready to run a household without him. I'm not ready for any of it.  I'm definitely not ready to answer the question of "when is my daddy coming home" or "why is daddy gone". I really thought I was ready. I've read all the resiliency articles. I've talked to other spouses who have endured an unaccompanied tour. I've reached out to those who know these feelings and the one commonality in all of it is; no one is ready for it. And, that feeling of not being ready is all consuming because it's happening right in front of us, and there's no changing it. Not being ready isn't an option. I want to be ready. I want to be strong and stoic, but I know myself well enough to know that my being ready will never be ready enough to face this head on. My heart hurts as we prepare for the movers to come in a couple of weeks. As we sort through our existing kitchen stuff, linens, purchase a bed, sort through clothes that he'll take and ones he'll leave behind. I have totes full of stuff for the movers to pack, and as the weeks have flown by, I sat in the floor and cried looking at this stuff because I really thought I was ready. It's not going to be easy, but they promised it would be worth it.





 

Baseball mom to Wrestling mom, say what? ? ?

For as long as I could remember, I knew I'd be a baseball mom. Caysen played ball for more than decade, and overall, I always saw him making it to the college baseball world. His passion, dedication, hours of practice and sheer love of the game really shined in our last couple of years in Florida. Those kids with NYSA were amazing, some of our best friends were baseball families and I cherish and treasure those memories. Even getting kicked out of the bleachers and banned from the fields was totally worth it. Once we got orders to TN, we knew he'd be at a serious disadvantage being the "new kid". But, we had no idea how deeply political and ridiculous the baseball world is here. I really couldn't believe all the ridiculousness that we witnessed first hand. But, we trudged through, learned some valuable life lessons and here we are 2 years later, and we're a bonafide wrestling family. 

I went into this sport EXTREMELY jaded. I had no idea how it would be for Caysen. I was entirely put off by all the funky skin, fungus, sweat, staff infections, impetigo, cauliflower ear, injuries that could happen. Well, Caysen being Caysen didn't wait long to break us into the injury world. The first match of the PRE season, he suffered a concussion, a few weeks later a sprained ankle and a dislocated jaw. Least to say, I was ready for him to throw in the towel. If it weren't for his coach, I'd put my foot down and ditch wrestling. John had to reign in the "momma" mode on several occasions. But, this last weekend, I saw a a young man take to the mats and battle it out with everything he had to qualify for the state tournament. WHAT, the WHAT? My kid going to state, first year wrestler? Yep, to say that I totally stoked for him is an understatement. Seriously, I had no idea we'd be traveling to the state tournament. 

In all of this chaos, the one monumental lesson we've all learned is that God will open the doors, and we have to be willing to walk through those doors. The doors to baseball were slammed shut time after time yet we kept opening them. He still played last summer with a travel team. He busted his hump for that team, he worked so hard, he was in a pitcher only position and pinch ran most of the season. But, nearing the end of the season his coach finally let him play left field (his other position) because of his dedication and his willingness to put in the work. I cried for him. I longed for his talent to be recognized and for him to play the sport that made him the happiest. All this time, I knew that baseball wasn't going to pan out regardless of how many lessons we paid for, regardless of who we knew or didn't know. We weren't an "in" family and didn't have tens of thousands of dollars to throw at the program to buy our kid a place on the roster. I know it happens in every state, town, league. I get it. My heart still hurt for my child.

Least to say, resiliency is very apparent in our son. He took on a completely new to him sport his junior year of high school. He will letter for his effort, dedication and his record. You know I could go on and on about how much I really hate this sport, but that would be an utter lie. I love it because he loves it. I love what wrestling has taught him. I love seeing him on the mat. I love watching him execute new moves flawlessly, and above all, I love watching him and Coach Hampshire talk after a win or a loss. I love watching him grow as a young man because he's chasing after something that brings him true happiness. To see him happy is my ultimate goal, to protect him in pursuit of that happiness is my job. This summer, he will be traveling to Georgia for a 10 day wrestling camp with some of the most elite wrestlers in the country. We can't wait to see where this path leads us all! 


 

Setting boundaries

There is no need to justify to anyone that I need to set boundaries in all relationships. We establish them with our families, our children, our parents, and friends. But, often times, the friend boundaries get pushed or we easily overlook something because we so desperately "need" people, we need friends.

 In 2008, we had just hit Hurlburt Field, John was TDY and I went to a "Welcome Spouse" orientation at the A&FRC. During the social time, I met a 20+ year spouse and she told me "just remember, the first person you meet likely will not remain a friend to you because you meet out of desperation, you cling to them and they cling to you because you're new and vulnerable". I can not tell you all how true this sage advice has become over the last few years. I admittedly have had a hard time adjusting to life in Knoxville. Thank goodness, I'm over that horrific stage HA! I wasn't shy about it, I shared my struggles and I learned really fast that a listening, compassionate "oh I know how you feel, I felt the same way" ear is also a running mouth. I made the biggest mistake opening up to someone I barely knew and who didn't know me from Adam, but knew about everyone and shared all the details of every other person's lives, dirty laundry and all. I never imagined that this sharing of information was the status quo, was the pattern of toxic behavior and was simply the way someone operated. I felt like I was getting the Insider's Edition to our new assignment, our new home for the next 4 years. I had the inside scoop, who was great, who to avoid, how and why things were different here. Let me tell ya, all it was a vicious cycle and now after 2 years here, I'm finally seeing the light. The point to all this really boils down to setting boundaries. Accepting what has happened, apologizing for my own offenses and looking to mend the relationships that are important to me. I do not have to and will NOT play nice with people who are inherently full of toxic behaviors and who set out to harm others with vicious lies, gossip and personal attacks that go beyond your typical "she's just a stuck up snob" or "she's such a (Insert the vulgar name of your choosing)". I do not have to tolerate bad behavior or the victim mentality that is self-inflicted and some conjured up paranoia that the entire world is out to get them. Let me be very frank here; All of this is happening because you created it. Your lies, your gossip, your hurtful slandering is what has caused all the distress. I shouldn't have to point it out, but apparently it's not obvious to the offender. In all of this, what I've learned is setting boundaries, cutting people out of my life is not rude nor do I lack empathy for people. I simply refuse to allow people to continue to be a part of our lives when they choose to flat out lie and wreak havoc in a tiny world that we are trying to create. I will not feel an ounce of guilt for saving myself from someone's destructive behaviors. I will not participate in it. If I have mutual friends, I ask that you respect that I have set boundaries with someone who has, on multiple occasions, proven who they are and how they operate. I simply ask that if you can not keep me, my family, my life out of the conversation with a person who is looking to put me down, degrade me, attack my character, insult my family, do you and me a favor, REMOVE me from your life. If you can not or will not honor this simple request, I'm be happy to ditch you as well. I do not wish ill on anyone nor am I seeking any type of vengeance. I only want to be done and be able to move forward. I'm simply choosing me, my happiness, and my future.

 

This time of year

Every year, that is every year since 2007, I almost fall apart between April and May.
Our family lost Yellow Granny 8 years ago. Then just a few weeks later, I made the ultimate decision to walk away from the strained relationship with my father. He's met John once. The last time he saw Caysen was the day we buried granny. He has never and will never meet our Littles. I've not spoken to nor seen him since May 2007. 

Emotionally, I'm empty and tired. I have tried to convince myself that I'm ok with him not being in my life. I've tried to convince myself that it doesn't hurt. But, it does hurt. It hurts a lot.

I'm still broken from all of it. Today, I'm declaring healing. To move forward in peace and forgiveness. It's not easy.