When I say I'm totally prepared, it's all a big lie!

Most everyone is aware that my husband will be "deploying/PCS'ing" in the coming weeks for a 15 month unaccompanied tour. Least to say, for the last 4 months, I have been in complete denial. Even though I knew he was leaving, we agreed it was a great career move, we prayed over it long before he applied, I still hadn't embraced the absolute truth that he's leaving. Now that the movers are scheduled, my email is blowing up with confirmations, details etc, I just click "READ" and move onto the next email.  As I look to the next year, I am all over the place. There's this ever elusive feeling that I'm attempting to embrace, but stumbling through the emotions is all I seem to do these days. In one moment, I'm at the "hurry up and take off so we can get this over with", the next moment "please don't leave yet, I don't want you to miss _____". 

I don't know what it is about this situation that is all that different than his last deployment. Maybe it's because of the Littles and all the stuff he's going to miss Caysen's senior year of high school. I simply can't put my finger on it.  Caysen was nearly 11 yrs old and could comprehend all the details during our last deployment. Maybe it's my heart is broken that I agreed to this assignment, maybe it's just my weak, insecure heart that keeps telling me that there's no way I'll make it through this without pushing away everyone I love including John or completely falling apart in the process of trying to hold it all together. It's exhausting trying to navigate through all the feelings and I find myself nitpicking just to pick a fight. It's a heck of a lot easier to say "See ya later" if I'm mad at him. It's easier to just withdraw and not focus on the real reason I'm acting out like a toddler who has lost their favorite blankie.

When asked "what do you need?", I honestly have no answer. I have no idea what I need or what kind of support I'll need. Please don't be offended if I tell you nothing, please don't push or force me to talk about it. When I need to, I will. Fair warning,  I don't know how to ask for help or reach out and say "hey, I'm struggling" no one knows what to do when someone admits to being at their breaking point. I'm not a hugger or a crier, I don't know how to even remotely tell someone that I'm struggling. I refuse to accept defeat, and I won't fail during this time in our lives, but I'm not sure how I'll do it. Just know that when I say I'm ready for this, it's a lie. I'm not ready for my husband's belongings to be packed up and sent overseas. I'm not ready to run a household without him. I'm not ready for any of it.  I'm definitely not ready to answer the question of "when is my daddy coming home" or "why is daddy gone". I really thought I was ready. I've read all the resiliency articles. I've talked to other spouses who have endured an unaccompanied tour. I've reached out to those who know these feelings and the one commonality in all of it is; no one is ready for it. And, that feeling of not being ready is all consuming because it's happening right in front of us, and there's no changing it. Not being ready isn't an option. I want to be ready. I want to be strong and stoic, but I know myself well enough to know that my being ready will never be ready enough to face this head on. My heart hurts as we prepare for the movers to come in a couple of weeks. As we sort through our existing kitchen stuff, linens, purchase a bed, sort through clothes that he'll take and ones he'll leave behind. I have totes full of stuff for the movers to pack, and as the weeks have flown by, I sat in the floor and cried looking at this stuff because I really thought I was ready. It's not going to be easy, but they promised it would be worth it.





 

Baseball mom to Wrestling mom, say what? ? ?

For as long as I could remember, I knew I'd be a baseball mom. Caysen played ball for more than decade, and overall, I always saw him making it to the college baseball world. His passion, dedication, hours of practice and sheer love of the game really shined in our last couple of years in Florida. Those kids with NYSA were amazing, some of our best friends were baseball families and I cherish and treasure those memories. Even getting kicked out of the bleachers and banned from the fields was totally worth it. Once we got orders to TN, we knew he'd be at a serious disadvantage being the "new kid". But, we had no idea how deeply political and ridiculous the baseball world is here. I really couldn't believe all the ridiculousness that we witnessed first hand. But, we trudged through, learned some valuable life lessons and here we are 2 years later, and we're a bonafide wrestling family. 

I went into this sport EXTREMELY jaded. I had no idea how it would be for Caysen. I was entirely put off by all the funky skin, fungus, sweat, staff infections, impetigo, cauliflower ear, injuries that could happen. Well, Caysen being Caysen didn't wait long to break us into the injury world. The first match of the PRE season, he suffered a concussion, a few weeks later a sprained ankle and a dislocated jaw. Least to say, I was ready for him to throw in the towel. If it weren't for his coach, I'd put my foot down and ditch wrestling. John had to reign in the "momma" mode on several occasions. But, this last weekend, I saw a a young man take to the mats and battle it out with everything he had to qualify for the state tournament. WHAT, the WHAT? My kid going to state, first year wrestler? Yep, to say that I totally stoked for him is an understatement. Seriously, I had no idea we'd be traveling to the state tournament. 

In all of this chaos, the one monumental lesson we've all learned is that God will open the doors, and we have to be willing to walk through those doors. The doors to baseball were slammed shut time after time yet we kept opening them. He still played last summer with a travel team. He busted his hump for that team, he worked so hard, he was in a pitcher only position and pinch ran most of the season. But, nearing the end of the season his coach finally let him play left field (his other position) because of his dedication and his willingness to put in the work. I cried for him. I longed for his talent to be recognized and for him to play the sport that made him the happiest. All this time, I knew that baseball wasn't going to pan out regardless of how many lessons we paid for, regardless of who we knew or didn't know. We weren't an "in" family and didn't have tens of thousands of dollars to throw at the program to buy our kid a place on the roster. I know it happens in every state, town, league. I get it. My heart still hurt for my child.

Least to say, resiliency is very apparent in our son. He took on a completely new to him sport his junior year of high school. He will letter for his effort, dedication and his record. You know I could go on and on about how much I really hate this sport, but that would be an utter lie. I love it because he loves it. I love what wrestling has taught him. I love seeing him on the mat. I love watching him execute new moves flawlessly, and above all, I love watching him and Coach Hampshire talk after a win or a loss. I love watching him grow as a young man because he's chasing after something that brings him true happiness. To see him happy is my ultimate goal, to protect him in pursuit of that happiness is my job. This summer, he will be traveling to Georgia for a 10 day wrestling camp with some of the most elite wrestlers in the country. We can't wait to see where this path leads us all! 


 

Setting boundaries

There is no need to justify to anyone that I need to set boundaries in all relationships. We establish them with our families, our children, our parents, and friends. But, often times, the friend boundaries get pushed or we easily overlook something because we so desperately "need" people, we need friends.

 In 2008, we had just hit Hurlburt Field, John was TDY and I went to a "Welcome Spouse" orientation at the A&FRC. During the social time, I met a 20+ year spouse and she told me "just remember, the first person you meet likely will not remain a friend to you because you meet out of desperation, you cling to them and they cling to you because you're new and vulnerable". I can not tell you all how true this sage advice has become over the last few years. I admittedly have had a hard time adjusting to life in Knoxville. Thank goodness, I'm over that horrific stage HA! I wasn't shy about it, I shared my struggles and I learned really fast that a listening, compassionate "oh I know how you feel, I felt the same way" ear is also a running mouth. I made the biggest mistake opening up to someone I barely knew and who didn't know me from Adam, but knew about everyone and shared all the details of every other person's lives, dirty laundry and all. I never imagined that this sharing of information was the status quo, was the pattern of toxic behavior and was simply the way someone operated. I felt like I was getting the Insider's Edition to our new assignment, our new home for the next 4 years. I had the inside scoop, who was great, who to avoid, how and why things were different here. Let me tell ya, all it was a vicious cycle and now after 2 years here, I'm finally seeing the light. The point to all this really boils down to setting boundaries. Accepting what has happened, apologizing for my own offenses and looking to mend the relationships that are important to me. I do not have to and will NOT play nice with people who are inherently full of toxic behaviors and who set out to harm others with vicious lies, gossip and personal attacks that go beyond your typical "she's just a stuck up snob" or "she's such a (Insert the vulgar name of your choosing)". I do not have to tolerate bad behavior or the victim mentality that is self-inflicted and some conjured up paranoia that the entire world is out to get them. Let me be very frank here; All of this is happening because you created it. Your lies, your gossip, your hurtful slandering is what has caused all the distress. I shouldn't have to point it out, but apparently it's not obvious to the offender. In all of this, what I've learned is setting boundaries, cutting people out of my life is not rude nor do I lack empathy for people. I simply refuse to allow people to continue to be a part of our lives when they choose to flat out lie and wreak havoc in a tiny world that we are trying to create. I will not feel an ounce of guilt for saving myself from someone's destructive behaviors. I will not participate in it. If I have mutual friends, I ask that you respect that I have set boundaries with someone who has, on multiple occasions, proven who they are and how they operate. I simply ask that if you can not keep me, my family, my life out of the conversation with a person who is looking to put me down, degrade me, attack my character, insult my family, do you and me a favor, REMOVE me from your life. If you can not or will not honor this simple request, I'm be happy to ditch you as well. I do not wish ill on anyone nor am I seeking any type of vengeance. I only want to be done and be able to move forward. I'm simply choosing me, my happiness, and my future.

 

This time of year

Every year, that is every year since 2007, I almost fall apart between April and May.
Our family lost Yellow Granny 8 years ago. Then just a few weeks later, I made the ultimate decision to walk away from the strained relationship with my father. He's met John once. The last time he saw Caysen was the day we buried granny. He has never and will never meet our Littles. I've not spoken to nor seen him since May 2007. 

Emotionally, I'm empty and tired. I have tried to convince myself that I'm ok with him not being in my life. I've tried to convince myself that it doesn't hurt. But, it does hurt. It hurts a lot.

I'm still broken from all of it. Today, I'm declaring healing. To move forward in peace and forgiveness. It's not easy.

Happy in My Now

It's been no secret that for this move to Knoxville has been tough. I've probably complained about it too much and too often. But, that's how I dealt with all the misery. No one truly knows the full extent of pure hell our family has endured. I couldn't even put it into words if I tried. Over the last couple of months, I've really learned that through this "season" in our lives  I've been living in the past and waiting for a happy future to finally happen. Instead of living in the now and making the very best of it, I was wishing for what we had in Florida. I wanted friends like I had there, I wanted nights out with my friends, I wanted coffee dates, and I wanted all the good times we shared for years. It's a grim reality that it's just not going to happen here. It's just not, and I'm not even trying to make it happen here. I've burned bridges, I opened up too much too soon with some people and they ran with that openness and now that reputation hangs over my head. I have no one to blame but myself, and in my normal fashion, I own it. What I can do is make a new path, and learn from those really dark months and the mistakes that I made early on here. If someone is willing to look past all that and really see that I am renewed in my faith and have hope again, I will be grateful. To those who have stood by me, cheered me, and listened to me cry, I'm forever thankful that you were my pillars to lean on.

I allowed my misery to define me and it hardened my heart. Now, I'm faced with  the reality that people have attached that misery to me because that's what I put out there. It doesn't matter how happy I am now, people still like to believe that person is "ME". In reality, I know, and those who know the best, know that I was just in a dark and sad place. I acted like a toddler in a tantrum constantly, and I was living in this place just wanting it to be better instead of making my NOW really great. I can't go back and change anything I've said or how I acted. All I can do right now is ask for forgiveness and live for the NOW. Which is not entirely how I envisioned life, I never thought that I'd perfectly content being alone with the company of two toddlers all day, every day. There's some days I still long with normal relationships and friendships. Normal as in not forced or fabricated friendships where we can't be real and raw with one another because we fear that admitting unhappiness will turn people away.  I get that I should be grateful for all the blessings in our lives, and make no mistake, I'm eternally grateful. But, I have learned my feelings are valid, and they're mine. I am just choosing to make something better out of those feelings, and really look for a solution.  What I'm trying to say is that it's perfectly acceptable to admit life sucks sometimes. It's just not okay to wallow in it. 

With my renewed attitude, I'm really trying to be a better steward of my time with the Littles. I'm never going to be the super pinterest crafting mom nor will I become a master landscaper in my attempts to have a pretty yard. But, I will make memories with my family, playing outside, digging in the dirt, blowing dandelions, counting the birds, attempting to make popsicle crafts and painting. My heart is full not because of where we are, but because of what I choose to fill my heart with these days. I may not ever have really close friendships. I may never really get close to people again, I doubt I'll have regular lunch or coffee dates, but I will for sure make our little world a bit happier by choice and not circumstance alone. I won't allow the past or future cloud my Now. 

 

Four Seasons

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It Goes On"  Robert Frost

No truer words can describe my life in it's current season. I grew up in Texas and rarely ever experienced true seasons. So, when people would use the quote that everyone comes into your life for a reason or a season, I couldn't really relate to the actual season part of it. We had hot, hotter and rain with occasional hail storm. That is until now, living in Tennessee. Beautiful and exactly on time seasons. All four of them. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall and each one has this magnificent way of making me stop and enjoy each season. You see in the summer, it's beautiful, in the Spring it's beautiful, in the Fall, oh my gosh, the beauty takes my breath away, Winter has it's moments of beauty. I'm not a fan of cold and I'm petrified of ice/snow. Well, driving in that stuff scares the heebies out of me. Tennessee has offered so many different experiences just like it's specific seasons.  Several of those experiences have been wonderful and some have been devastating. All of which I have learned a great lesson about either myself, my surroundings, or my family. As painful as some of these experiences, I will stand on the solid ground that life will go on. I will heal, and I will grow stronger because of some of these situations. I accept responsibility for my actions that led to some of these experiences being horrible. What I won't do is continue down the same path that leads me right back to those dark places. God will deal with those issues. I won't allow my heart to become hardened. I won't allow my soul to be captured in a dark world of deceit, falsehoods, and pain. At the end of this season, life will go on. What I allow is what will continue.  

Recently, I have been hurt, pushed around, made to feel like a situation was my fault. Guess what? It's not anyone's fault. It's reality. It is what it is, and I'm not making it about me or anyone else. It's a situation that took a tailspin because people can't be truthful and act like an adult with adult subjects.  It's not difficult. It's really not. Unfortunately, the uncomfortableness will continue until we can grow up a bit and say "hey, this is what happened. Can we just lay it to rest?" But, instead the dance of awkwardness continues, and the whispers in the vicinity continue. Whispering has a funny way of being the loudest form of communication. I am not aware of my transgression. Gossiping about it does not resolve the issue. All it does is divide and conquer. The enemy wins and will continue to win as long as the bitterness brews.  I really can't even begin to express how saddened  I am that everything has worked out this way. But, at the end of the day, I'm not going to continue to subject myself to behavior that is not positive and where I find myself being hurt repeatedly. It takes a lot, I mean a lot to hurt me, and if that was the goal. WIN in that column. But, I am moving forward and learning a lesson that a season can be long and drawn out if I allow it. Spring is around the corner, not just on the calendar, but in my life as well. 

Growing where God plants me. 

Bumps Bruises and Band-aids

Life is full of ups and downs. Peaks and valleys. We all spend some time in a valley. During that time, we are either strengthened or broken. We fight, climbing and clawing our way out of that valley so we can enjoy the view from the highest peak. Every once in awhile, we do not have the strength or faith to climb out on our own.  I've been in both situations. Too strong and stubborn to stay in the valley for long, too weak, tired and hurt to bother digging my way out. There's no easy answer as to the "why" I chose to stay in this last valley for so long. I was angry and bitter. I still look forward to 2017 when we move onto the next chapter of our lives. That next duty station, that next set of friend dating, and having one kiddo in college, and 2 starting elementary school. It's not that I am not immensely grateful for our time here, I am. I shared this with my husband and oldest son, "Honestly, if nothing else positive or good comes from this place, if I have nothing else to look back on and say 'wow that was amazing', at least you both found Jesus, and are growing in your faith. If nothing else good happens, and I have nothing else to celebrate, I will endure a thousand hurts to know that we are here for a reason, and part of that reason is so when we die or Jesus returns, we will all be together in Heaven. I will not be sad about our time here, that one thing has made us being here and enduring the pure misery all worth it. I'd do it all again to have our family where it is today." 

People fail to recognize is many people, myself included, will only reveal what they feel is "safe" to share. When that information is used against them to judge, to condemn them, to punish them, all that has really happened is the person becomes more isolated and desperate for help. I've been there, too. It's lonely and it's cold. My only truth is that without the counsel of a dear friend, I would have never accepted her hand when she offered to help me out of the valley. Her sage words "Lean on God, get into His word, within the scriptures you'll find answers". I did just as she suggested. I read and read some more. I even read a book that brought to light so many aspects of my hurt heart that I didn't even realize existed. That's growth. It hurt every day. It was those days that the rocks gave way under my feet, and my grasp slipped a little, but I dug in and read more. With each day, each scripture, each chapter, each lesson, I gained footing and my climb became a bit easier. About halfway up, I stumbled. I was parched, and hungry. I wanted to go back and sit in the darkness a bit, the coldest water runs through the valleys, right? And, once again, my friend reached her hand towards mine and said "Don't give up, don't give in". I trudged forward. Today, I'm not at the peak, but I'm closer than I was last week.

The first step I took to get out of that valley was truly lean on God. I didn't understand it, but He was my only answer that had never failed me. I was heavily convicted to apologize to people I had wronged. Maybe not directly wronged, but my behaviors toward them were wrong, and I fought that conviction. I kept repeating " umm God, you remember who you're talking to, right?" The resounding answer was "Yes, now go and do as I have commanded."  Lord knows I am not that great at saying "I'm sorry". But, the moment I sent the apologies not only did I feel relieved, I released the bitterness that had built up for a good 9 months. It wasn't easy. I fought with it for weeks. I knew other people wouldn't understand it. And, being honest, I don't care if they do understand it. The situation was not theirs to resolve. It's not their conviction. Those were my first steps toward getting out of the valley.

The closer I drew myself to the peak. The further people I thought who cared fell away from me. It's no surprise. People disappoint one another. Our expectations typically exceed others abilities. And, as long as we're all human, we will hurt and disappoint one another. The greatest joy is when I learned to not be offended and carry that bitterness with me. That ugly seed bled over to other areas of my life. Primarily, it kept me from giving my true self to others. This tough, hardened exterior is a really good mask to hide all the part hurts I've endured. 

Big lesson - the people in my life today shouldn't have to live in the shadows of all the wrongs that happened in my past.

While I will never tolerate bad behavior, nor put myself in situations where I will be hurt nor surround myself with people who treat me poorly, I'm not going to allow the past hurts keep me from loving others, truly loving them. That doesn't mean be best friends with everyone. There's no command for that one, I do not have to like everyone and I'm definitely not going to compromise who I am or what I stand for just to be buddies with the wrong people. My popularity on this Earth is not going to pave my path to heaven.  My core personality isn't changing nor are my convictions, morals or ethics. I still stand strong in those convictions. I'll still fight for what is right and fair. I am only as good as my word and more than my words, my actions will continue to reaching higher peaks.

I was never able to recognize just how much hurt I was carrying around. People talk about drama, people talk about people, talk results in hurt, and hurt often leads to growth. The best reaction is to take no action. Forgive quickly and recognize that it's really not about you. Even if you "think" it's about you, it's really not. If we could only see into just the hearts view of each other, we'd see more than just the surface scars. No one fully knows what is going on in my life except for God. No one will fully comprehend that I held onto hurts that had trapped me in a life of pain. As a way to heal, I lashed out at others and kept people at arms length. Today, one thing is certain, I know that hurting others isn't the answer to my pain. Even by just being snarky and causing friction really isn't the answer. Listening to others, and believing every gossipy detail without confirmation, allowing past hurts to forge a case against others, and most of all, purposely pushing people away by just not being very nice. Forgiving those who hurt, and fully releasing them of that transgression is only way to heal and move forward. I can't change the past. I don't even expect anyone to believe that people, people like me, can and want to change. I believe people can grow, change and be good. Even in the deepest valleys we learn about ourselves, I learned about myself, my hurts, and most of all how to heal. I knew that I'd never be able to do it alone. I didn't get out unscathed. The bumps were huge, the bruises were visible, the scars are starting to fade, and the band-aids have been ripped off. Grace is my foundation. I've learned to acknowledge it, and I'm learning to extend it.

Hebrews 4:16